


The One with Inappropriate Glitter

by thestanceyg



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, F/M, bath bombs, doctors see weird shit, food is not meant to be used like that, inappropriate use of a whisk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:01:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26293807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestanceyg/pseuds/thestanceyg
Summary: Three times Darcy needs Bruce to see to a unique problem and one time he helps her with a normal issue.
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Darcy Lewis
Comments: 9
Kudos: 133





	The One with Inappropriate Glitter

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to all the Darcy peeps on discord that inspired this piece of wackadoodle fic.

1.

“Please Bruce?” Darcy asked, her face flushed. “I kinda don’t want to have to talk to some rando about this.”

He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know if I feel comfortable with this.”

“I understand,” she said, feeling defeated. “I’ll call to see if they can fit me in sometime in the next week.” She picked her bag up and made it all the way to the door before he called to her.

“Fine,” he agreed. “But only this once.”

She ran back and threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Let's do this before I regret it.”

Darcy quickly dropped her bag once again and unbuttoned her jeans, slipping them off quickly. She heard Bruce suck in a breath and she looked at him over her shoulder. “Did I not mention what I needed you to look at?” she asked.

“Already regretting,” he muttered.

“Do you have, like a towel or something?” she asked. “You now, to cover up?” she added, gesturing over her pelvis.

Even though she could tell she was pushing the limits with him, he went over the the closet and threw a towel to her. She quickly shucked off her underwear and sat on a table, towel covering her. 

“I’m ready,” she called over to him.

Bruce grabbed a chair and came to sit in front of her. “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

“I have disco crotch,” she said without preamble.

“You have what?”

“Disco crotch,” she said with a sigh. “Glitter bath bomb apparently gets everywhere.”

“And the problem? I believe all of the materials are human safe.”

She blushed a little as she thought about how to explain the next part. “Perhaps, yes,but it like...coated? There? And, uhmm, I might have had sex and now I feel like there’ssand in there? But I’m pretty sure it’s glitter.”

“Disco crotch,” Bruce said more to himself than her, but she nodded anyway. “Okay, I’ll need to take a look.”

She nodded and tried to get into a comfortable position since this was just a lab table and not an exam table because, like he reminded her all the time, he was not that kind of doctor. In the end she planted her feet on the edge of the table and scooted as close to the edge as was comfortable, and let the towel drape over her knees.

“Err, I’m going to need to get something,” Bruce said with a small frown. He came back with a small bag and a headlamp. He flicked it on and then started the exam. “Is that...purple and green glitter?” he asked.

Darcy was relieved he couldn't see her face as she flushed red and said, “Umm,yes. It was...a Hulk themed bath bomb?”

He made a noise that she couldn’t quite identify and then told her he was going to need to do a bit of an internal exam. The rest of it went quietly, if not a bit tensely.

He pulled his head out from under the towel and coughed a bit. “Err, there doesn’t seem to be anything except some mild irritation which your body will expel over the next several days. I’m sorry to say that there’s nothing much to do. As for the external glitter, I’d suggest washing with a disposable towel so you aren’t just pushing it around.”

“Absolutely,” she said quickly. “Thanks Bruce.”

“Anytime, Darcy,” he said, not looking at her as he packed his things.

It was the wrong thing to say.

* * *

2.

“Bruce?” Darcy called from near the door. “You got some time?”

He looked up from the computer screen he had been staring at. “For you? Of course.”

She nodded and made her way across the room. “Can you, uhm, play doctor again?”

His face flushed for a second. “Play doctor?”

“I just need a quick bit of help, and I promise this time that I won’t even have to take any clothes off.”

He studied her for a second and she could see the moment his curiosity got the better of him. “Okay, sure. How can Dr. Banner help you today?”

She let out a breath. “I umm. Need to know how to remove an apparatus from a penis without doing it any damage.”

“I assume no damage to the penis and not the apparatus?”

“Correct,” she said with a little quick of her lips.

“Explain then.”

“I, errr, don’t think I should get into how it happened, but, well, perhaps it’s easier if I show you a picture?”

He looked at her warily, but nodded.

She pulled out her phone and didn’t even have to scroll. The penis in question  _ was _ still up in her room. “This one,” she said, showing it to him.

He looked at it, pulled off his glasses, grabbed the phone from her, squinted, and then asked, “Is that a whisk?”

“It is,” she confirmed, her cheeks just a bit pink. “It’s, err, pinching? Right there?” she said, zooming in a bit and then pointing.

“I would think so.” He sighed and handed back the phone before going to his desk, opening a drawer and pulling out something. “Wire cutters,” he said, handing them to her. “Cut it and then buy a new whisk.”

“Why didn’t I think of that?” she asked, taking the cutters from him. She went on her toes and kissed his cheek. “Thanks Bruce!” she cried before running out the door and back up to her room.

* * *

3.

“Bruce, we’re friends, right?” she said one Thursday, handing him a mug of tea.

He looked at her with narrowed eyes. “What now?” When she tried to mock being offended by his question, he wouldn’t have it. “You know we’re friends, that’s how you get me to do ridiculous things like examine your disco crotch.”

“About that…” she said, shifting in her seat. It’s umm, a similar issue.”

He raised an eyebrow at that. “Oh really?”

She huffed out a breath. “Will you take a look or not?”

“Fine,” he said, but wagged a finger at her. “But you owe me. Bake me a cake, or something.”

“Funny you should say that,” she muttered, dropping her pants.

“So no picture this time?” he said with a sigh, going to his closet and grabbing a towel again.

“You might not need the towel?” she said, her voice squeaking with embarrassment. 

He didn’t say anything, so neither did she. Instead she walked over to stand in front of him and pulled down her underwear before bending over in front of him.

He stood there quietly for a moment. “Are those….sprinkles?” She could hear the head tilt in his voice.

“Funfetti icing,” she clarified.

“Darcy, please tell me you know that icing is not a lube.”

“Of course I know that!” she snapped. Then, more softly she added. “I also now know not to trust anyone that says to just trust them.”

“What do you want me to do here, Darce?”

“How do I take care of this funfetti butthole so I don't get an infection?” she asked, her face aflame.

“Funfetti butthole,” he said to himself. She could tell he was trying not to laugh. “Put your pants back on,” he said a bit louder. “I’ll have Jarvis order what you need and have it delivered to your room. Call me if you have questions about how to use it, okay?”

She pulled up her underwear and went to grab her pants. “Thank you so much Bruce!” she said, pulling on her leggings and moving to leave.

“Hey Darcy,” he called after her, “maybe don’t thank me with cake after all?”

She laughed out the door. “You’ve got it Dr. B!”

* * *

+1

“So Darcy asks you a lot of interesting medical questions, I’ve heard,” Helen said, sauntering into his lab.

“I’m surprised she's mentioned it to anyone at all,” Bruce said honestly.

“Oh, girl’s night isn’t complete if we haven’t learned something about Darcy’s sex life,” Helen said with a smirk. “Which has been your favorite so far?”

“Probably the whisk dick because I didn’t have to actually see it.” Then he thought a moment and added, “but I also think that disco crotch and funfetti butthole are phrases I would have expected to have in a discussion with Tony.”

Helen snorted. “You’re not wrong there. I think he was at least partly responsible for one of those instances.”

“Darcy and Tony?” he asked, surprised how much he didn’t like the idea. It was all much easier to deal with when he didn’t know the man involved.

“Thor, no!” Helen said with a laugh. “The disco crotch debacle was because he bought her an entire crate of those Hulk bath bombs.

“So he wasn’t the guy that...err, distributed the glitter?”

Helen snorted. “There was no actual guy with that one. Just guy substitute.”

Bruce had to think about that for a second before it suddenly made sense to him. “Oh,” was all he could say in response, his cheeks heating and giving away more than he would have liked.

“And the others?”

Here Helen's face turned hard. “Assholes, both of them. Actually I wouldn’t have been surprised if whisk dick ended up that way as a way for her to get him to be done with her.”

“So they’re no longer in the picture?” he asked, trying to sound less interested than he was.

“Subtle,” Helen muttered. “No, none still in the picture.”

Bruce nodded, but before he could ask another question, his lab door opened again admitting Darcy.

“Hey Dr. B,” she said. Her voice was rough and her steps shuffling.

“Come here,” he said,immediately sliding into the role of playing doctor. “Friday, what’s her temperature?”

“104, Doctor Banner.”

“Shit,” he cursed under his breath. “Darcy, I’m going to listen to your chest and take your pulse and then we’re going to get you better, okay?”

“Mmmhmmm,” she said, but her eyes were a bit glassy, and he wondered if she actually understood at all.

In no time he was carrying her back up to her room, her legs having given out on the elevator ride up.

He carefully pulled off her shoes, and then also her jeans, trying to make her as comfortable as possible before tucking her into her bed and grabbing a glass of water so she could take her medication.

Bruce,” she rasped. “Stay? Please?”

He couldn’t say no to that, but he also couldn’t help but tease, “as long asI don’t end up your next unusual sex toy disaster.”

“Not a disaster if it’s you,” she said, cuddling close to him and dropping off.

Well, that sounded more promising than anything had in a long time, Bruce thought.


End file.
